A Year in Review

As it's now 2019, having a review of the past year's events is obligatory.  I know it's cliche, I know it's eye-roll able, but 2018 was an important and somewhat difficult year for me, so it feels right to set it out in written form.

In 2018, I started my current job, which was taking on the role of a Business Administration Apprentice.  Originally, I didn't know what to expect, or if it was going to be something I would be good at.  In the first few months it was a massive change for me as it made me face a lot of anxiety I had around talking to clients, learning the companies methods and regulations and talking on the phone!  I built new relationships with people and I get on with everyone I work with, everything was good!

My supervisor (the person who trained me and whom I reported to daily) then left, which really caused me to panic, as it would most people, but me especially as I over think everything all the time, it took a long time for me to get my head around it.  However, this actually enabled me to step up to the role in her absence, which was really great experience and it ended up in my bosses being impressed with me, so now my role has changed and I am actually managing the admin for our office- WHAT!

So as well as doing the practical job, I have been studying for my Level 2 Business Administration qualification, which I am about a month away from officially signing off and finishing!  Almost straight away, I am going to be starting the Level 3 qualification, so I will be going back to college in Feb, which I'm really excited to be doing.  As well as this, I have been offered a permanent position with the company once I have finished my apprenticeship, so I can't wait for all of that to come!

As well as this, I really stepped up the game in learning to drive, as it is belated anyway as I'm 21 now, but also because work's offices are moving, so driving is essential! I have now passed my theory test (thank god), and my practical is booked in for March- so hopefully I will pass and will be driving around soon!

Thinking about 2018 on a slightly less positive note,  my ongoing issue with anxiety unfortunately got a lot worse.  I've lived with it for as long as I can remember through my teenage-adult years, so I have allowed a lot of it to become normal, which it definitely isn't.  It's frustrating for myself and those around me, it ruins a lot of everyday activities, as well as going to any events or ruling out the possibility of going on holiday anytime soon.

I've been pushed to "get help" by several people in my life but I denied myself of needing any of the sort for such a long time, because I doubted myself so much that I had a voice in my head saying it's not that bad, and I should just live with it and get on with shit.  That obviously proved unhelpful and inevitably it's gotten far worse this past year.  I don't really sleep and when I do, I'll wake up in the night and panic about just about anything, I've struggled a lot with doing things that I want to enjoy, like going to gigs, which are completely ruined by my incessant panicking about travel and accidents and confined spaces etc., and I end up with a fat headache and it pretty much ruins it for me.

Going to see one of my favourite bands this year basically put it into perspective for me; the gig was in Cardiff, so myself and my boyfriend got the train.  I was panicking so much the morning before we left that we nearly didn't go, but I made myself get up, out and on the train, but I felt sick on for the whole journey.  When we were actually at the gig, we were sat on the balcony seating area rather than in general standing.  I looked around and honestly, there was no one our age in our section and I just looked at the situation I had put myself in.  I looked down at everyone in the standing area, jumping and dancing and it looked amazing, but I had placed myself outside of it all and I felt like I was just ruining it all for myself because I never do anything fun.  I could physically see the place where my anxiety was putting me in life and I decided I'd had enough of this.

So, now my aim for this is to finally get some help and give my anxiety some attention.  I've already taken a few tiny steps towards getting there, so it will take time, but my aim for 2019 onwards is to get better and be happy.  There are so many things that I want to be able to do but it's made way too hard by my mind working the way it currently does, so I need to look into helping myself get to a point where it won't stop me from doing things anymore.  When I think about it, it feels impossible and I can't see how I will think or feel any differently, but I need to go into this with an open mind and just roll with it, which is hard for me in itself, but I'll get there.

So all in all, 2018 was certainly interesting.  Its definitely created the first stepping stone into getting my life somewhat 'sorted', and I feel like I now have some goals to work towards.  I don't have any New Years Resolutions per say, but I would like to just keep progressing in the right direction; sort my head out, get my Level 3 qualification, carry on with this blog, buy my first car, keep working, and see where I am this time next year.

2019, let's see how this goes.